Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Alone........

Alone.....

I have never felt more alone. In December, our little girl was taken to the hospital for homicidal ideations. She was also doing a lot of self harm and hitting and punching both me, Will, and her counselor. She was in the hospital for 8 days and was diagnosed with DMDD (Bi-polar 1) & PTSD. When she was released, she was doing fantastic. She had a sparkle in her eyes and her demeanor was completely different. It was good times. Then it all started to fall apart.

A couple of weeks ago, she threatened to throw a wooden stool at me. It is one of the kind that you usually put at a breakfast bar. It is light weight and does not have a back on it. She also was calling me names and yelling at me. Then, about two weeks later she was angry at school and earned herself Isolated Instruction. (It is basically in-school suspension.) She was there for a total of 2.5 days due to her being unsafe, throwing everything off of her desk, and then throwing a shoe at a para-educator and hitting her in the face. The para had to go to the nurse and our little girl had to be physically restrained. I was told about this behavior at pick-up and on the way to the car, I asked her in a non-threatening way, what was going on. She then got very angry and I called Will to let him know that we may have an issue. After she got into the car, she got violent and was hitting and kicking the car seat in front of her. She then got out of the car and was hitting the window of the car. At this point, I pulled the car forward and she ran to continue hitting the window. Then I put the car in reverse. I then got off the phone with Will and got out of the car to talk with her. I wanted to make sure she did not try and run into the street since it was afterschool pickup time. After about 10 minutes of this she finally got into the car and we were on our way. She continued to yell, scream and even called me a "Stupid F-ing B". I had to be careful not to laugh at this because she actually censored herself. I met up with Will and he took her because she was so hostile towards me.

Fast forward to today. We were at counseling and she was super excited to go. We get to her session and the counselor wanted to do a check-in. This is where we gather to chat for a couple minutes and talk about he positives and struggles. Well, after I left the room, she was doing her self harm behavior, so the counselor came and got me to help her out. When I came into the room, she was under the chair. I asked her to come out so we could go home because clearly she was not wanting to have her session and she decided to bolt. She ran out of the room and we initially had no idea where she had gone. While her counselor called security, I went looking for her. Her counselor and I found her together hiding by the stairs. I calmly asked if this behavior was a safe behavior and she just lost it on me. She started hitting me and when I grabbed her hands, so she couldn't hit me any longer, she started kicking me. That is when the security guard stepped in front of her so she could not hit me any longer. In the end, she was calmed down with the promise of food and was happy as a clam when we left.

With all that is happening, I feel as if I am losing some of who I am. I constantly feel like I am alone. I was trying to build a support system here in Arizona but it is hard. Even more hard when you have to work and then move to a house 25 miles from where your were trying to build your support system. My husband works hard so we can have nice things and so we can do things. Our problem is that we are in the car about 45 minutes each way, per day. That does not give us a lot of time to do anything. We don't get to go on dates because of the fear of behaviors, plus we don't know a lot of people that would be willing to watch our kids. It is also hard to find someone to help with the kids when they don't know how to deal with behaviors that our daughter has been diagnosed with.

I am just tired of always feeling like I am last. I am exhausted trying to keep up with the drama that is DMDD. I need more support from the outside so that I can take care of not only my family, but my marriage, and myself. I need to feel supported and need a support team.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

BELONGING


Belonging. We all long to belong. Belonging is acceptance, to feel included. In order to belong, to a group, club, any other organization, you have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. Part of being vulnerable is being able to handle rejection. 

I thought I was ready and able to handle rejection but I am finding that I was utterly wrong. I am currently feeling as if I don't belong. Due to this, I feel very lonely. I long for friendships like I had back in Washington. I long for girl's nights and coffee with friends. I long for the kind of friendships that include making time for others. This feeling of aloneness and belonging is becoming so great that it is affecting my daily attitude. All I want to do is feel as if I belong and not feel so lonely all the time.
 

Belonging = Acceptance

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

My most difficult year...

So far, the past year has been quite difficult for me. A lot has happened in the past year. We adopted two kiddos, out of the Washington Foster Care system, with special needs that are very challenging. We moved away from our strong support system and from a medical system that I knew and understood. We left an area and home I loved, to start over in a new place for a new job. We moved to a nice area in Scottsdale, Arizona. We are close to a park that has a lake with lots of ducks, geese, and other water animals. It has a bike/walking/running path and it is close to a greenbelt that allows you to go basically from one end of Scottsdale to the other. It really is a nice area. We have grown to like the weather here too. Winter was wonderful! Our kiddos have been swimming since March.

As for the year being difficult, I feel, I have become someone that I do not like. It has been more difficult that I thought it would be. Our kiddos have been very challenging for me. I find myself getting very angry and short tempered with them. That is NOT the kind of parent I want to be either. It is so hard! I find it very difficult because the kids do not seem to be learning from mistakes or from the choices that they make that get them in trouble. It is just so frustrating that it doesn't seem like they are learning anything.

I think that with everything I have to deal with this past year, I wonder, if I have gone through some sort of Post-Partum because EVERYTHING changed when we adopted the kids. They are good kids, it just is frustrating that they seem to push every button with me.

I am hoping that the second year gets significantly better! Not only for my kiddos but for me too. I want to be the happy person I used to be not the short-tempered one I have become.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Is it too much to ask?

Is it too much to ask for a little appreciation? Lately, I have been feeling unappreciated. I am doing a lot for my family but I just feel as if I am being taken advantage of. I do laundry and I don't get a thank you. I make lunches & dinners for my family constantly and all I get is complaints about the food and how icky it is. It is driving my crazy. I am trying to make good, healthy meals for my family. I have been cooking most of the meals we have since our finances are currently very tight. This is a change from what I was doing a couple of years ago. Heck even last year.

I just want to feel the appreciation from my family. Is that too much to ask?

Thursday, January 23, 2014

I am not alone but....

I am lonely. I have been struggling with feeling lonely constantly. I am not alone here in Arizona but I am lonely. I mean I have my kids and husband and my little sister and her family but since moving from my comfort zone and home in July, I have seen her maybe a handful of times. Plus, my kids go to school and hubby goes to work. I really don't have much going on in my life. I, however, started attending a mom's group that I found out about through the church we are attending. It is like MOPS but it is for all moms not just the ones that have preschoolers. I have attended 2 meetings so far and the ladies are lovely but I am still out of my comfort zone.

The feeling of loneliness has really overtaken me the last couple of weeks. I try to keep it at bay but it is difficult when I am alone most days and all I have to keep me company is my cat Mercy. Then when my family is home, I am cooking meals, making sure homework is done, and making sure the kids are ready for the next day. The kids are constantly fighting for my hubby's attention and really only want daddy.

I think another reason I feel lonely most times is because I don't get quality time with my hubby and when we do have time together we are discussing "stuff" the kids have done, what a Dr. or teacher has said regarding one of the kiddos. We actually had a date the other night that my hubby arranged. It was nice. We went to the Rock & Worship Roadshow. That is a concert and there were about 5 or 6 different artists that performed. It was cool and I really enjoyed it but we really didn't discuss things that were important while we were in the car. It seems all we discuss lately is not really important things. I think that just makes me feel even more lonely.

With the loneliness comes that fact that I am not feeling very good about myself. I feel very unattractive and it doesn't help that my husband really doesn't give me any real affection. I know it is ridiculous to feel this way but it is hard not to. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself but it is hard to feel any other way when you spend most of your days alone and when you are around others, it just seems they don't want to be around you. 

I am not alone but I am lonely.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Thankful #30

Day 30: Today I am thankful that my family is healthy. We haven't had any major illnesses in such a long time. We have had the occasional cold but nothing really bad. For that I am thankful.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Thankful #29

Day 29: Today I am thankful for a lazy family day. We are able to watch the Apple Cup and just enjoy time together. :)