Wednesday, May 28, 2014

My most difficult year...

So far, the past year has been quite difficult for me. A lot has happened in the past year. We adopted two kiddos, out of the Washington Foster Care system, with special needs that are very challenging. We moved away from our strong support system and from a medical system that I knew and understood. We left an area and home I loved, to start over in a new place for a new job. We moved to a nice area in Scottsdale, Arizona. We are close to a park that has a lake with lots of ducks, geese, and other water animals. It has a bike/walking/running path and it is close to a greenbelt that allows you to go basically from one end of Scottsdale to the other. It really is a nice area. We have grown to like the weather here too. Winter was wonderful! Our kiddos have been swimming since March.

As for the year being difficult, I feel, I have become someone that I do not like. It has been more difficult that I thought it would be. Our kiddos have been very challenging for me. I find myself getting very angry and short tempered with them. That is NOT the kind of parent I want to be either. It is so hard! I find it very difficult because the kids do not seem to be learning from mistakes or from the choices that they make that get them in trouble. It is just so frustrating that it doesn't seem like they are learning anything.

I think that with everything I have to deal with this past year, I wonder, if I have gone through some sort of Post-Partum because EVERYTHING changed when we adopted the kids. They are good kids, it just is frustrating that they seem to push every button with me.

I am hoping that the second year gets significantly better! Not only for my kiddos but for me too. I want to be the happy person I used to be not the short-tempered one I have become.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Is it too much to ask?

Is it too much to ask for a little appreciation? Lately, I have been feeling unappreciated. I am doing a lot for my family but I just feel as if I am being taken advantage of. I do laundry and I don't get a thank you. I make lunches & dinners for my family constantly and all I get is complaints about the food and how icky it is. It is driving my crazy. I am trying to make good, healthy meals for my family. I have been cooking most of the meals we have since our finances are currently very tight. This is a change from what I was doing a couple of years ago. Heck even last year.

I just want to feel the appreciation from my family. Is that too much to ask?

Thursday, January 23, 2014

I am not alone but....

I am lonely. I have been struggling with feeling lonely constantly. I am not alone here in Arizona but I am lonely. I mean I have my kids and husband and my little sister and her family but since moving from my comfort zone and home in July, I have seen her maybe a handful of times. Plus, my kids go to school and hubby goes to work. I really don't have much going on in my life. I, however, started attending a mom's group that I found out about through the church we are attending. It is like MOPS but it is for all moms not just the ones that have preschoolers. I have attended 2 meetings so far and the ladies are lovely but I am still out of my comfort zone.

The feeling of loneliness has really overtaken me the last couple of weeks. I try to keep it at bay but it is difficult when I am alone most days and all I have to keep me company is my cat Mercy. Then when my family is home, I am cooking meals, making sure homework is done, and making sure the kids are ready for the next day. The kids are constantly fighting for my hubby's attention and really only want daddy.

I think another reason I feel lonely most times is because I don't get quality time with my hubby and when we do have time together we are discussing "stuff" the kids have done, what a Dr. or teacher has said regarding one of the kiddos. We actually had a date the other night that my hubby arranged. It was nice. We went to the Rock & Worship Roadshow. That is a concert and there were about 5 or 6 different artists that performed. It was cool and I really enjoyed it but we really didn't discuss things that were important while we were in the car. It seems all we discuss lately is not really important things. I think that just makes me feel even more lonely.

With the loneliness comes that fact that I am not feeling very good about myself. I feel very unattractive and it doesn't help that my husband really doesn't give me any real affection. I know it is ridiculous to feel this way but it is hard not to. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself but it is hard to feel any other way when you spend most of your days alone and when you are around others, it just seems they don't want to be around you. 

I am not alone but I am lonely.