Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Alone........

Alone.....

I have never felt more alone. In December, our little girl was taken to the hospital for homicidal ideations. She was also doing a lot of self harm and hitting and punching both me, Will, and her counselor. She was in the hospital for 8 days and was diagnosed with DMDD (Bi-polar 1) & PTSD. When she was released, she was doing fantastic. She had a sparkle in her eyes and her demeanor was completely different. It was good times. Then it all started to fall apart.

A couple of weeks ago, she threatened to throw a wooden stool at me. It is one of the kind that you usually put at a breakfast bar. It is light weight and does not have a back on it. She also was calling me names and yelling at me. Then, about two weeks later she was angry at school and earned herself Isolated Instruction. (It is basically in-school suspension.) She was there for a total of 2.5 days due to her being unsafe, throwing everything off of her desk, and then throwing a shoe at a para-educator and hitting her in the face. The para had to go to the nurse and our little girl had to be physically restrained. I was told about this behavior at pick-up and on the way to the car, I asked her in a non-threatening way, what was going on. She then got very angry and I called Will to let him know that we may have an issue. After she got into the car, she got violent and was hitting and kicking the car seat in front of her. She then got out of the car and was hitting the window of the car. At this point, I pulled the car forward and she ran to continue hitting the window. Then I put the car in reverse. I then got off the phone with Will and got out of the car to talk with her. I wanted to make sure she did not try and run into the street since it was afterschool pickup time. After about 10 minutes of this she finally got into the car and we were on our way. She continued to yell, scream and even called me a "Stupid F-ing B". I had to be careful not to laugh at this because she actually censored herself. I met up with Will and he took her because she was so hostile towards me.

Fast forward to today. We were at counseling and she was super excited to go. We get to her session and the counselor wanted to do a check-in. This is where we gather to chat for a couple minutes and talk about he positives and struggles. Well, after I left the room, she was doing her self harm behavior, so the counselor came and got me to help her out. When I came into the room, she was under the chair. I asked her to come out so we could go home because clearly she was not wanting to have her session and she decided to bolt. She ran out of the room and we initially had no idea where she had gone. While her counselor called security, I went looking for her. Her counselor and I found her together hiding by the stairs. I calmly asked if this behavior was a safe behavior and she just lost it on me. She started hitting me and when I grabbed her hands, so she couldn't hit me any longer, she started kicking me. That is when the security guard stepped in front of her so she could not hit me any longer. In the end, she was calmed down with the promise of food and was happy as a clam when we left.

With all that is happening, I feel as if I am losing some of who I am. I constantly feel like I am alone. I was trying to build a support system here in Arizona but it is hard. Even more hard when you have to work and then move to a house 25 miles from where your were trying to build your support system. My husband works hard so we can have nice things and so we can do things. Our problem is that we are in the car about 45 minutes each way, per day. That does not give us a lot of time to do anything. We don't get to go on dates because of the fear of behaviors, plus we don't know a lot of people that would be willing to watch our kids. It is also hard to find someone to help with the kids when they don't know how to deal with behaviors that our daughter has been diagnosed with.

I am just tired of always feeling like I am last. I am exhausted trying to keep up with the drama that is DMDD. I need more support from the outside so that I can take care of not only my family, but my marriage, and myself. I need to feel supported and need a support team.