Thursday, January 23, 2014

I am not alone but....

I am lonely. I have been struggling with feeling lonely constantly. I am not alone here in Arizona but I am lonely. I mean I have my kids and husband and my little sister and her family but since moving from my comfort zone and home in July, I have seen her maybe a handful of times. Plus, my kids go to school and hubby goes to work. I really don't have much going on in my life. I, however, started attending a mom's group that I found out about through the church we are attending. It is like MOPS but it is for all moms not just the ones that have preschoolers. I have attended 2 meetings so far and the ladies are lovely but I am still out of my comfort zone.

The feeling of loneliness has really overtaken me the last couple of weeks. I try to keep it at bay but it is difficult when I am alone most days and all I have to keep me company is my cat Mercy. Then when my family is home, I am cooking meals, making sure homework is done, and making sure the kids are ready for the next day. The kids are constantly fighting for my hubby's attention and really only want daddy.

I think another reason I feel lonely most times is because I don't get quality time with my hubby and when we do have time together we are discussing "stuff" the kids have done, what a Dr. or teacher has said regarding one of the kiddos. We actually had a date the other night that my hubby arranged. It was nice. We went to the Rock & Worship Roadshow. That is a concert and there were about 5 or 6 different artists that performed. It was cool and I really enjoyed it but we really didn't discuss things that were important while we were in the car. It seems all we discuss lately is not really important things. I think that just makes me feel even more lonely.

With the loneliness comes that fact that I am not feeling very good about myself. I feel very unattractive and it doesn't help that my husband really doesn't give me any real affection. I know it is ridiculous to feel this way but it is hard not to. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself but it is hard to feel any other way when you spend most of your days alone and when you are around others, it just seems they don't want to be around you. 

I am not alone but I am lonely.